Ever wondered why only photos of Intanku on the page? Well, for the sake of putting things in perspective, she is the only light of my eyes right now. Yes, I am a single father, a very proud one at that!! Not my intention to let the whole visitors to my blog know, but hell ya, it’s my blog and I’ll blog anything if I want to. And I can breathe easy now.

Important dates in my life:

18.06.1972
Thanks Paul McCartney and Isabella Rossellini for sharing the same birthday with me.
17.11.2000
Intanku Mas Ayu was born. And my life changed forever.
03.10.2002
Indah Mas Ayu was born.
18.12.2003
The day she left. And I’ve never heard any news from her since.
27.02.2004
Indah was killed in an accident. My precious, the daughter I never had. Papa is gonna miss you for the rest of Papa’s life. I felt like dismantling the stars from the sky the day that I lost you, for they were of no use any more, for the one that shone the brightest was gone forever. Felt like winning a million dollar today, only to lose it the day after.


I myself was surprised at how I managed to pull through all the tragedy in my life, may be it was you Intanku, for without you, I would not have the strength, and I would wilt, and I would slowly die.

My best experience expecting a baby is when I could feel Intanku kicking from inside the womb of her mom, and how she moved her limbs around (stretching I guess) making wave-like effects on her mom's tummy. You know that thing, bulging here and there.

There was fear though, fear of the unknown. Of course u can trust the ultra-sound (we even have 3D scan now) but you would always want your child to be born perfect, that's the greatest gift all parents could give beside tender loving care. So the moment I received a phone call from my sister telling the birth, my first question was "is the baby physically ok?”. After knowing the answer was in the affirmative, only then I would proceed with questions on gender and stuff... Such was the fear.

Intanku will be 5 this November 17th. Her mom hasn't seen her since Dec 18 2003. And she has not called me since March. I hope she's doing well in KL. Doing what she always wanted to do. I still love her, but no matter how great is my love, I know we can never be together again. That's a sad story to tell. Anyway, having Intanku beside me, I still am counting my blessings.

Now Intanku has someone to call "mom" but I think it will take some time before I marry my girlfriend. Until then, my sister will take care of her during daytime. I Will be very busy this December taking care of her schooling. She's very talkative. When I look at her, I always see a reflection of myself, a feeling only for you to experience to really understand. My mom in Kelantan wants to have custody of her. And she keeps insisting on that. But I resist. I want to see her growing up and oversee her education.

Intanku won't go to bed without her dad around. Normally I will put her to sleep first before continuing with my stuff like watching TV and playing computer games. She will not sleep unless she knows I am around. I will normally lie around and lay my arm around her. A light kiss on her cheek and a butterfly kiss from her in return. Ten minutes, and she will be playing in her Wonderland. Now tell me, what price can pay for that?

If I knew then what I know now, would I still go on marrying her mom? The answer is an absolute YES!. Even for a thousand times!. For, without the suffering, without the tragedy, there wouldn’t be Intanku.